The Secret to Making Friends as a Busy Mom | Work Like A Mother Podcast, Episode 44

Marina Tolentino tackles a challenge many of us face—how to make friends as an adult! With the rise of social media and a busy life filled with family, work, and everything in between, it's easy to feel isolated. But Marina is here to guide you through the practical steps of rekindling friendships, forming new connections, and even leveling up those casual relationships into true, lasting friendships.

Marina shares how to overcome the “loneliness epidemic” and the science of friendship—explaining how it takes about 50 hours to build a casual relationship, 90 hours to become real friends, and 200 hours to get close. From reconnecting with old friends to joining local groups, striking up conversations at workout classes, or even creating your own mom group, Marina has the tips you need to build your grown-up girl gang.

If you’ve been missing that connection with your girlfriends or are unsure of how to start fresh, this episode is packed with real-life advice and fun ideas. Grab your favorite fall latte and tune in!

Marina Tolentino
https://www.marinatolentino.com/
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Transcript

0:00

I am very much aware that we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic. How to actually make friends and then what do we do with them? So if we know it takes about 50 hours to build a casual relationship and 90 hours to become real friends and 200 hours to consider someone a close friend, how do we do this? It's totally like dating, I swear. And there is absolutely so many different clubs and different sports. Like, the grownups are still having fun and we just forgot about it. It's officially fall. And while it's still 88 degrees in Hawaii and sunny every day, there's something about, I don't know, just seeing everybody's nostalgic fall posts and what they're planning to do this fall with their warm cozies, pumpkin spice lattes and all this stuff. And there's something about it where you want to have your girl gang with you, there are certain activities that you just want to do with your girlfriends. But I am very much aware that we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic, not just in America, but globally, thanks to social media and comparing us to everybody and making us feel isolated. And because of that, we just aren't hanging out anymore like we used to. So this episode is going to be specifically how to actually make friends. Like, again, you're a grown up now. How do we do this? It's a little bit different with the tech world that we live in in 2024. And then what do we do with them once we've made these new friends? Because now it's, like, awkward. Like, do we only go to coffee or meals or what else can we do to kind of build that relationship? And it's interesting because studies have shown you need to spend about 50 hours with someone before you feel like you can call them a friend. That's a long time. That's a lot of coffee dates. So let's kind of dive into this episode, and I'll give you some things that I've read through, scrolling the Internet of how to do this, and then just my personal take on it, too. So to kick this off, if you are like, let's just say you met someone, an acquaintance, and you're like, ooh, good vibes. Like, fun energy. I like her style. Like, we're very much on the same friend wavelength and we've expressed to each other, let's hang out. How do we do this? It's really, really hard today. So if we know it takes about 50 hours to build a casual relationship and 90 hours to become real friends and 200 hours to consider someone a close friend, we have to figure this out. Like, we've got to just make the effort and the time and, like, almost have a pact with this person of, like, can we dedicate and commit to this friendship, at least in the beginning to vibe it out? And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But, like, let's start it out with being like, this shit's hard. Let's help each other. And I just, it takes me back to college. So quick antidote here. I remember, I mean, when you go to college, you're separated from your regular high school friends and family, and all of a sudden you're transplanted into this new world with all these other strangers. But guess what? You're living together, you're eating together, you're going to the same classes together, you're hanging out on the weekend together, you're going shopping together. And it's very, very easily, like, within a week to hit the 50 hours, let alone maybe even the 90 hours within seven days. But now being home with kids and a husband and where I live, I live an hour from everybody else. It feels like it's a lot, lot harder. So I'm going to have to literally facilitate this and encourage you guys to do this, too. If you are lacking friendships and relationships this season, this is what we got to do. Hey, ladies, real quick. If you are looking for a mentor, I just wanted to remind you that I offer mentorship to entrepreneurs. So if you're someone who has a never ending to do list and you're spiling out of control and feel like your business doesn't have a track plan, I want to work with you every single week for a month at a time. It's super simple, but I come from over ten years of experience doing this myself, and now I'm willing to give that information back to people. So I've mentored real estate agents, I've mentored wedding photographers, I've mentored other business owners, and they've come from a place of overwhelm, mostly. And they really just needed clarity and a couple of action steps to move the needle. And we've seen gigantic leaps and bounds in their business. Like, I can't even tell you. So if you're interested and you want to know what that looks like, I want you to go to marinatolentino.com and there's a calendly link there to do a 15 minutes discovery call with me just to see if we're a good vibe check to make sure we're on the same page. And I would love to work with you one on one to really boost your business to the next level. Let's dive back in. So number one is you could reconnect with old friends if you don't have any friends right now or you want more, we've met so many people over the years and you're probably still following along with them. They're just older friends, right? So maybe we just start engaging with them a little bit more on social media, loving on their posts, giving comments, maybe a DM here from their stories of things you like, don't like. Haha, funny stuff. Start sending them those little nuggets of love. When you see something that's really fascinating on social media and we dm that to our friend, start doing this with the friend that you want to reconnect with, right? You'd be surprised how quickly you can pick up an old relationship by just starting to like fan the flame again in that sense, and not like a lover's sense, but this is friendship, right? So for instance, if I've got a friend, let's say they were in the wedding industry, right? And I haven't been a wedding planner for four years, so I'm kind of tapped out of it. But I remember how amazing she was and how much fun we had when we worked together. I can start loving on her through social media and then guaranteed within a week we could probably be hanging out in real life. Like, that's a very easy way to do that. Second thing is, you could turn your coworkers into actual friendships. And I'll say, this is like, not for everybody. Some people, especially if you're a w two employee, you want to leave work at home. When you leave that office, you do not want to bring any of it home or into the weekend. And I get it. But then there's some times where, like, you spend so much time at work, why not like actually hang out with the people that you work with to make work a little bit more enjoyable too. You could start with a Friday Pow Hana after work, invite a couple other people and make it a routine thing, and then keep the conversations going throughout the week. And not just like a one time thing. That's like the critical thing. You have to keep it going and growing. The other one you could do, number three would be connecting with friends of friends. So let's say, like, for instance, you move into a new city, you don't really know anybody. You probably know less than five people when you relocate. And it's really, really challenging to meet those new friends. But what you could do is out of those five people that you possibly know, ask them. They live there. They're the locals, right? Who do you know that I should connect with? Who do you think that I would get along with of your friends and then get a little get together with three or four of you and see who you vibe with. And then from there exchange phone numbers, exchange social media handles and start actually connecting and growing and then have that time outside of your original relationship person. Go have an extra outing with just you and this new friend. Number four is you could join a local group. This one has always been terrifying to me to sign up for like a random Facebook group or to go to an eventbrite where I know nobody and it's just like, definitely for introverts, this is terrifying, but it's a great way to just plant yourself and just be like, I'm gonna try this thing and if it's horrible, I never have to do it again, but just try. I'll say mom groups are definitely easier to get into. I actually just started a y and I homeschoolers group because I felt like surely there's more women out here doing this, but I felt like I was the only one. So almost within 48 hours of creating the group, we had twelve moms in there who were all homeschooling within ten minutes of me. It was amazing. And so if you don't have a group that you like and they want to join, start your own. That's another great way to do it. Just start inviting it, pushing it out there. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt and I hope you're enjoying this episode of the work like a mother podcast. Real quick. I just want to remind you guys, if you are worried about missing an episode, you don't have to worry anymore because we are creating a weekly email that's going to go out automatically every single time there's a brand new episode. And this email is going to have everything you need to know about this week's featured guests. It's going to have all of the links and the resources that we're going to talk about in this episode. So you don't have to go around and fumble through the show notes, but it's going to be served in your inbox every single week. So if you guys want that access, be sure to click below one time in the show notes today, sign up for that email and then you'll never have to worry about it in the future. And bonus, if you really love this, we'd love it if you share this with a friend, give us a review on whatever platform you're listening to, and we'll continue to bring new episodes and new information that's gonna help you level up your life every single week. Number five would be volunteering. Number six would be striking up conversation at workout classes. I will say with the workout classes, before is better than after. Obviously, after the workout, we're freaking sweaty and haggard and, like, nobody wants to make cute conversation. We just want to book it out of there. But if you get there early, like, plan to get there 15 minutes early every time. And when people start showing up around, you strike up a conversation. Hey, where do you live? Are you close by? How long have you been coming to this class? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, do you have pets? You have kids? Like, just try to vibe it out. That could really be a really fun one, especially if you notice the same people are coming to the same classes that you go to. That's an automatic way to get in a couple of hours a week with those people. And then once you start to, like, break the ice, you could be like, do you have plans afterwards? You want to go get a juice, you want to go get a coffee, like, whatever. That could be a really great way, actually. And especially if you're someone who works from home and you work out at weird hours. Like, if you don't like the gym rush and you go

from ten to 02: 9:45

00 p.m. that's a great way to find other people that work from home. And then you can plan, like, let's go coffee shop, work together, and co work together. I love that idea. Number seven is using apps and going to meetups. I kind of talked about this before, but there's obviously, like, bumble for friends and other apps to make friends. I don't know. I'm kind of on the fence about that one. But you can take it or leave it. You could join a sports league. And there is absolutely so many different clubs and different sports from pickleball to tennis to baseball to flag football. Like, the grownups are still having fun, and we just forgot about it. So I don't think there's a ton of parents doing this just with time restrictions, but it's a great way to make it happen. Like, if you're really just in that space where you're like, I don't even know where to go, but I. I happen to love and be obsessed with pickleball, so let's go find more pickleball friends. Like, go to that and I already mentioned this one. But number nine would be to connect on social media, and that would literally just be to, like, find people that you already like and know and trust on social media and take their relationship off the screen. Just be like, hey, I know we've been following each other for a long time. Like, super awkward, but, like, do you want to go have a drink on Friday and then just see what they say? You know, the worst they can say is nothing or say no. And the only thing that you're risking is your ego. So that's a really great way. So now let's roll into what do you do besides grabbing coffee, if you have these new friendships, right? So a lot of us, I think, default to the coffee because it's low commitment, low cost, and we know we're going to get in and out of there within 45 minutes ish. Like, that's cool. But if we want to actually build a deeper relationship and get faster and faster and faster to that 200 hours mark, how do we do this? It's totally like dating, I swear. But here we are, adulting as millennials trying to figure this out. So number one, kind of like, previous is you guys could go to a workout class together. That's always been fun. Although I found certain friends really just want to relax and enjoy girls night out instead of, like, go working on a girl's night out. So workout class is plus or minus for you. But that could be a great way, especially if you want to try something new. Make a fool of yourself. Like, we actually have a rock climbing gym on island that I would love to go try, but I need a girlfriend to go with me. I don't want to go by myself, so that could be fun to, like, try something new. Um, second thing you guys can do, hit up a farmer's market or a flea market, definitely. And I'm going to add to that thrifting. So farmers market is super fun casual. You guys can stroll. It's like not face to face sitting at a table together, but you're actually out doing and shopping together. You kind of get an idea of their interests and what that's like. Maybe you guys have a favorite smoothie person or produce vendor that you like to visit every week. That could be fun. And then with the thrifting, also pros and cons on this one. But I find the true friendships are the collaborative friendships, not the competitive ones. So when you are thrifting, we're going to savers or goodwill. I've had some girlfriends that I go with and there is, like, competition and, like, almost, like, racing and, like, envy when we thrift because she wants what I have, or we're, like, deciding between each other of who should get the item. We don't want that relationship. We want the ones that are gonna say, sure, you have it. There's more than enough to go around. I'll find something else. But that can be a test of a relationship, right? Go thrifting with them and see how they act when you guys both grab for the same amazing vase at the same time. What does she do? That's kind of a funny one. Number three activity to do would be go for a hike or a hot girl walk the no brainer. My girlfriend and I actually love to go to Ko'olina and walk along the beach. That's a really great one. In the morning when it's early and there is a bunch of tourists out, like, it's beautiful. And you can do that wherever you are. Find a little loop to do or a little park to go to and chalk it out. I find that when I'm moving my body and walking and talking, it's a lot easier to, like, get deeper with someone because we're a little bit distracted, but we can let the conversations flow a little bit easier than, like, a Q and a session. Number four would be to take a class together. Cooking, crafting, you name it. There's so many things you guys could do to learn something new together that could be really fun. We just did. What did we just do? Oh, we're gonna do a watercolor like event, a party for one of my friend's birthday parties. But it would be so fun to attend, like, a paint and sip with girlfriends. I've never done that yet, so just an idea there, and let's wrap this up with, like, two more ideas so you could go window shopping, which sounds obvious and a little bit like, ugh, we have to spend money. But, no, it's window shopping. So, for us in Hawaii, Ala Moana mall, let's not forget, is the largest outdoor mall in the Pacific. I think, if not America, it's massive. You can get. I get lost in there every single time. So maybe you guys pick a wing and go explore the wing together or wherever you're at. Go to the luxury row, go to wherever, you know, rodeo drive is for you, and just go window shopping, because we know we ain't buying $3,000 purses on the average, so just go look together. I also love to look at the displays, like, especially anthropology is really fun. And some of the higher end designers are pretty abstract or creative too for the holiday season. So that could be a really fun thing to do together. And then the last thing that I would recommend here is a museum, Abby. But I just feel like they're so fun. And I'm honestly, like a little history lover. So every time I travel, I like to go to a museum and maybe try the museum in your city that you've never been to. So funny. So where I grew up in Prosser, Washington is, like, tiny. Like 5000 people. That's it. And we have so many wineries. But in our tiny town, we actually have a prosser Washington museum that's about three rooms. But it's really fascinating. And I learned so much by going there. I think it costs like $10. We stopped in there one summer and I was like, oh, my gosh, how have I lived here since third grade and never been? So I guarantee there's a museum close by you that you have not experienced yet. And maybe your friend hasn't experienced yet either. That could be a really great thing to do. Or if you're into art and stuff, there's always seasonal galleries and shows popping up. So see what's new in your city for the winter fall and check it out together. And sometimes they'll have, like, cocktail nights or live music. Like, there's ways to switch it up so that you're just not going to a regular museum, but it's like, more fun. So that kind of wraps up how to make friends as a grown up. And then what do we do with our friends? Because we're not, you know, preteen girls anymore. It's just a little bit different. I want to hear from you guys. What do you like about this episode? What have you tried that works for you? And definitely send this to a girlfriend if you're like, hey, I know we just met, but I listened to this episode. Listen to it too. Pick something from the list and let's go do it. I think it's a great season and time of year when everyone's talking about, uh, what do I keep seeing? Gilmore girls, which is very much like a girl gang thing. And then, uh, oh, my gosh, with Serena. Gossip girls. Like, also, that show is a very fall show to watch. And that's also very girl gang stuff where you're like, there's a click, right? And it's like, you're not, like, bad click, but it's your girlfriends. And if you are in a season of life where motherhood has overtaken you and you've kind of lost that sense of intimacy with your girlfriends. Bring it back, because the time is now. You're not alone. And I'm doing it too. Yeah. I will be back next week with another episode. This is good. I'm gonna give it maybe one more tip for the fall for girlfriend stuff. But just get out there. We gotta get out of a box, tell our hubbies it's a need. I need 3 hours or 4 hours out of the house. Thank you very much. Put it in the calendar and make it happen. Happen. Okay, bye.