The Work Like A Mother Podcast | Working From Home, Working Moms, Women Health, Organization, Time Management

REPLAY: Discover the Power of Authenticity, Featuring The Daughter Dearest Podcast | Work Like A Mother Podcast, Episode 35

• Marina Tolentino • Episode 35

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I had the honor of being a guest on The Daughter Dearest Podcast with Simone and Olivia Knego! I talked all about the power of authenticity and how it can help overcome challenges, build meaningful relationships, and reach goals. Save this one and share it with a girl friend who needs some inspiration.

About The Daughter Dearest Podcast
Dynamic mother-daughter duo, Simone and Olivia Knego focus on the secrets of lasting transformation and how to build bold confidence and unwavering resilience.

From intimate conversations with inspiring guests to sharing their personal journeys of triumph and challenge, Simone and Olivia create a supportive space where every woman is encouraged to rise above her fears and love the woman in the mirror. It’s like catching up with old friends who inspire you to be bravely and uniquely you.

Simone Knego
https://simoneknego.com/
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Marina Tolentino
https://www.marinatolentino.com/
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So let's go back a little bit to being overworked and really trying to help people understand how to say no. And how do you kind of decide what are you going to commit to without over committing? Because I think a lot of people have a hard time with that. I know when I was younger, I would say yes to every thing that people would ask me to do. Yep, I can help with that. Yep, I can help with that. And I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? Because I didn't want to do it. I just felt like I had to do it. And I heard something yesterday that I really liked. Not that I didn't know this, but it's just nice to hear it like this, that when you say no, it opens the door for you to say yes to something else, something that you really want to say yes to. But advice on how to, how to say no. Because for a lot of people, that's a struggle. Welcome to the Daughter Dearest podcast with dynamic mother daughter duo, Simone and Olivia Knego, where they discuss the secrets of transformation and how to build bold confidence and unwavering resilience. From intimate conversations with inspiring guests to sharing their personal journeys of triumph and challenge, Simone and Olivia create a supportive space where every woman is encouraged to rise above her fears and love the woman in the mirror. Tune into the Daughter Dearest podcast and join this special journey of connection and growth. Hi, everyone. Welcome to this week's episode of the Daughter Dearest podcast. I'm Simone Knego. And I'm Olivia Knego. And today we have a very special guest. And this is a redo because we're using different software now, but we had a really hard time the last time we had her on. And Olivia didn't get to participate at all. No, we asked her to come back and we're so thrilled that she's here. So Marina Tolentino is a realtor by trade, mom to two littles who are nine and four, owner of Tolentino Honey company and is starting a nonprofit this spring. She is passionate about helping female entrepreneurs overcome hustle culture mentality and curate a life they truly love and can be present for. She's also newly homeschooling her third grader, which keeps life exciting. And actually, this might be a little bit old. You might be done with the homeschooling for this year. Looks like the year might be over. Yeah. But anyways, Marina, thank you so much for joining us. Yeah, I'm so excited to chat. It's going to be fun. So just first off the bat, will you introduce to our audience a little bit more about what you do and just what you love? Absolutely. Yeah. So I'm living in Hawaii, which I love life here. Anyways, it's beautiful year round, but I love really helping women who I was a couple years ago. So I was that hustle culture, like, gotta do it all, gotta have the numbers for success. I was working multiple businesses and then staying up at night to do what it took to get that done. Feeling like I had to post three times a day on social media to be successful. Like, it's exhausting. And then having children and doing all the things too at the same time. So now I've gotten to this place after multiple years of coaching, thousands of thousands of dollars of investing in personal development, to realize I don't need to do it all. Like, it's okay. And everyone's always going to tell you that you're not doing enough. So you have to find it with yourself and define what enough and success is. And it takes stepping back to really evaluate your core values first and then just getting clear on what it is you actually want, not what everyone else wants. So just for a reference point, I just talked to someone else about this, and I was like, we need to glamorize the four hour work day. Like, there are women all across this nation that are working in 4 hours a day, maybe 5 hours on an odd today, but then we're clocking out and we're present moms, or we're doing a multi passionate hustle or whatever it is, but we actually have hobbies and we have a life, and that story isn't told enough. And so I'm really just trying to help women get to that place of their life. Yeah, I think that's such a huge point because we do all feel like if we're not working every second of the day, then we're doing it wrong, which is so. Which is so incorrect. Honestly, my husband is home right now. He had surgery this week. He's doing fine. But he's, like, sitting there, he doesn't know what to do. He has literally no clue what to. Do with himself because all he does is work, and he loves working. So for him, that's great. But I'm trying to do work, and he's like, pay attention to me. I'm like, I'm working. But we do have to understand that. And again, I'm not a big work life balance person, but I feel like we do have to understand that there is enough is enough, right? We don't have to be doing work every second of every day. Yeah. Even right now, I'm the. What you said about, like, it's enough. It's so resonating with me right now. And ten minutes ago, I'm trying to pack up my entire life for this big move across the country, essentially. And I spent the entire day packing, and I was like, okay, what can I get done in ten minutes before I have to jump onto this call? My boyfriend's here right now. He's like, just relax for a second. Like, you've been working all day, and I don't know, like, there's something in me that's like, I'm never doing enough. I'm not enough. Yeah. And it's really sexy to tell the story that you have to keep doing more because it puts in that insecurity that we're not doing enough. So then you keep buying thing and whatever, and it's a sales process. Right. But no one's really talking about maintenance mode. No one's talking about, what does it look like to get what you want and just stay there? Like, we don't have to double our business every six months. We don't have to add five team members every year. Like, that's not realistic. So I'm totally in that zone where I'm making significant income. We are very happy and secure. I'm able to homeschool, be present with my kids, but every day is different, you know, and it's just. That's part of the ride. It's not going to be this ever scaling thing, like life. Enjoy the present. The maintenance thing is so legit because, I mean, I just finished my degree in business, and I don't think we once talked about how to keep the business calm. It was just about how to grow and how to grow and how to start off there wasn't like, okay, now what happens? None of that education in there. I think so much of that is like, your world experience. I think back to when I was in college, and I don't think it prepared me for a specific field, but not how to actually do anything in that field. So you have to. It's that experience of getting there, being there and doing. But it's not easy. No, it's kind of hard to hear after four years of your degree, like, oh, you didn't actually learn what you needed to know. Yeah, well, welcome to college. That's even my husband and I were talking about in medicine, how when you're studying to be a doctor, you don't learn the business of medicine, and that's such a huge part of what you do. And I think a lot of people, no matter what field they're in, they're going into their practice, their job, whatever, thinking, this is what I'm going to be doing. But there's so many other parts to it. And that's what makes it so complicated, I think. And that's why I, we never feel like we've done enough. We always feel like there's something else to do. There's no time to breathe. Yeah. And we also don't talk about all the help that it takes to get to where people are today. They just see the front man. They don't realize there's a whole village behind them running the operations to give them the quality of life that they want either. And so this took me, like, all through my twenties, I felt like I had to do it all by myself. I was a control freak. I was addicted to chaos. You know, you're trying to prove it to yourself to get over whatever insecurity you have. It's not until you take that first risk to say, okay, I'm going to delegate this off. It's going to be scary as f, but we're just going to do it anyway. And then all of a sudden a whole new world is opened up to be like, oh, my God, if I can do this, then I can delegate this and I can hire this out. And it's like, how many people can I hire fast enough to get these things off my plate that I don't need anymore? But it takes, I think you kind of have to go through the struggle to actually want the change. If it's just like, okay, and enough, you're just going to keep surviving. Um, but do you guys have experience with that when you delegated things off or how you hire assistants? Like, what's your insight? Yeah, I mean, for me right now, I'm, I have like three different people working with me and I kind of actually am thinking, should I consolidate into one person that could do all the different things? And so that's really what I'm looking at right now. But for a long time, I was the person who had to do it all myself. And I don't know if it was so much that it wasn't like a pride thing. It was more like I felt like if I wasn't, like, if I was a stay at home mom, I should do all of the things right, because I'm not working. I'm not contributing financially, I should cover all the bases, which is the dumbest thing ever, right? I mean, again, if you look at the work that a stay at home mom does, it outweighs anything. Salary. If you look at someone who is hiring out help, they're not hiring an all in one chef, nanny, and laundry and cleaner. They have individual people for all of those jobs. So, yeah, it's so, yeah, right now, working with, you know, trying to figure out what direction do I need to go with my business. I'm happy to delegate. I'm trying to teach myself new things, and I'm like, I don't want to learn this. Like, there's someone who's really good out there doing this, and I'm going to take that off my plate instead of saying, oh, let's teach yourself something else today, and it's too much, right? I mean, social media and canva and graphic design, like, that's what I'm doing. And there are so many people that are so well qualified to do that work. And I don't believe, and I'll be curious what you think of this, but I'm not a big believer in when people say they're self made, because I do feel like it takes a village. Now, some people had to start somewhere, right? A lot of times by themselves and get to where they are today. But I always feel like you do have a team, you have assistance, you have family, you have something. I'm sure there are some people that have done it all by themselves, but I still believe that the same thing you said, that it takes a village. Yeah. Cause even if you're self made, essentially, you're still getting mentorship, you're still getting guidance from someone. You're following someone else's footsteps, usually. But that doesn't mean you couldn't be the only one that's door knocking. And literally, like, wearing the soles off your shoes or your feet. Like that is, you know, a hustle and a determination that's very solo in the beginning. But event, in order to scale, you have to delegate. That's just like, essentials. But another thing I think people misunderstand about success is, like, you could see someone, especially in this digital marketing space, right, where they have this huge launch, and you think, oh, my God, they made a million dollars this month. They're raking in the dough. Well, how much did it cost to make that million dollar? Like, the expense behind the curtain. And I was talking to a friend about this, and she's like, oh, yeah, we have multiple six figure launches. But I spend multiple six figures to make those multiple six figures. And she's willing to do that to keep the quality her life. And so, again, you have to define what is enough and just live there because she could, like, keep more of that money herself and not delegate it out. Right. And not hire all this talent to do it. But she has a whole team to get those launches to happen. And I just don't think people talk about that. Like, they don't. They see what they see, and they ask about revenue. They don't ask about, what's your net? Right. What's your net income? What it. At the end of the day, what did you actually take home after doing all this? Because everybody wants things to look shiny. Yeah, of course. When. When you're putting yourself out there, you want to look. That's why we don't, like, get dressed up when we record and stuff. Most of the time, like, we just want to be who we are. We're not trying to show off anything. We just want to have these amazing conversations. And that's why I think a lot of people make these assumptions and that everything is shiny out there because that's what they see, and they don't see the behind the scenes. We tend to be behind the scenes. Yeah. Yeah. Which is awesome. I think that. What is it? Authenticity factor is, like, critical in today's social media world. Like, people want the real real. They don't want all the fluff anymore. I think my generation has finally, I would say it's hard to, like, contextualize an entire generation. Me and my friends, at least, and the people I know have gotten sick of the fakeness online and the fakeness in person, too. I think that, like, my friend group, we're really done with the fake niceties. And we were just talking about this yesterday. Like, don't ask someone, like, how are they doing? Because do you really want to know how they're truly doing? And especially with social media, I think TikTok has been good and bad in that sense, but good in the sense that every once in a while, you'll just see some rando post a video that blew up. And I was like, yeah, that's really real with your life and real with my life. And I really relate to that. And it's not just some beautiful image of a model that's been altered. It's like a real person trying on clothes, and sometimes they don't fit. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. So I think if we just keep bringing more of that, you'll just connect it, keep connecting with the right people, and then everything will be easier. So, yeah. You talked about mentorship for a second. I would love to kind of touch on that, talk about that. And because I know it's a big part of who you are and what you do, and I think it's important. Yeah. And I think part of it is just once you achieve something, it's a natural for most people, it's a natural sense to want to give it back of, like, I want to help you get to where I got, but faster, because I somehow figured out this pattern. So let me just give it back to you. So, this started to naturally happen in real estate, where I wasn't mentoring previous to this. Um, but I started to have success right away, and then agents would come to me, hey, what are you doing? Like, how did you get all these things all of a sudden? And so I would just start to regurgitate it back, and then before I know it, I'm hosting a weekly call with a bunch of agents. And then, even in real estate, I've owned multiple companies, sold one for a profit. Now we're starting the nonprofit as well. And so there's a group of people that have been following me along the journey since the last 15 years, and so they'll pop in. So I've had, like, a wedding photographer jump in that wanted mentorship, and it's usually women that are just. They know they're so brilliant and so talented, but there are certain limiting beliefs that are just stopping them from doing what they actually want to do. So, for example, this wedding photographer that I helped, she used to be on a team for the last, I don't know, five years, and has shot thousands of weddings, had just gone solo in her own business, and all of a sudden felt like she couldn't do anything. Like, just apparently her whole portfolio was nothing all of a sudden. And I just really had to build her back up and say, you have all these skills already. You don't need to hire any other course. You don't need to pay for anything else. You just need to do you. Boo. And so just through, like, a quick couple actionable steps to, like, do a launch of her mini course. By the next month, she had tripled her income by just us getting back to the basics and reminding her of who she already is and what she knows. So, mentorship comes in a whole spectrum of different ways to do it, because every business is different, but it's really just me to be in your back corner as your cheerleader and to remind you of a little bit of baby steps can go a long way. And we can see Giganta leaps in your business with just a couple accountability things. Yeah. I feel that it's such an important thing. I want to say, looking back, I didn't really have a mentor. I really didn't have a mentor. That's tough. I know. And a lot of mentors, only without one. Yeah. Even right now, I'm like, I really want a mentor. Like, for speaking, someone that is a high level keynote speaker that can kind of just throw it all at me and say, these are the things you need to be thinking about. And so that's on my list of goals, to find someone that's willing to mentor me. And because it doesn't matter what age you are, right, the more people you have in your corner, the better. And I do think it's so important. And for you going to law school. Oh, I've had so many mentors on this journey. Just, I mean, I didn't know where to start. The first thing I did was I ask you guys to ask your people. Yeah. And like, hey, is there someone I can sit down and talk to? And honestly, a lot of the time when I'm talking to a mentor, I kind of just need the assurance that what I'm doing is the right thing to do and that I'm just completely going out of left fields and because, I mean, this is everyone's first time on the planet, my first and last time applying to law school. And I thought I knew what I was doing. And honestly, a lot of the time, I was right on track, but I needed someone to be like, okay, that's right. But, like, you can do it a little bit better. And I did get that. I think that the best part about a lot of mentorships is people want to give back. And I've always said that, like, now that I'm postgrad, I've had actually multiple people in the last couple of days reach out to me about my journey through undergrad as well as my law school journey. And for all of them, I'm like, yes, absolutely, I'll help because that's how I got here. I got here with the help of other people. And it's so rewarding to give back. Like, it is more rewarding than any other sale you could get because you're literally giving life into someone else from what you've experienced. I'm curious, though, at your age, how do you have those initial conversations? Like, what are you saying to a mentor that's making them feel like, oh, you're not just a waste of time or whatever. Like, how are you pitching yourself? I think I'm just really, really honest. When I first sit down with someone, when I was initially on my marketing track, I sat down with a mentor that I got introduced through an organization I was working with, and I was honest with him and I was like, I don't know if this is the right field for me. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know if I'm actually interested in this. Can you just walk me through where you even think the field is going, if you think I'm even the right fit for it. And I think what really helps me is just being authentic and admitting that I don't know. I'm reaching out to you because I do not know. So just humility. Yeah. That's honesty. That's great. Sometimes people are afraid to admit that they don't know, but I think I've gotten over that because there's a lot I don't know. There's a lot I do know. But you always need help. I'm a big believer in asking for help. Yeah. And working with a mentor. What's awesome is you literally get to skip through time and live through someone else's life experiences to do it yourself. So it's a total life hack to have a mentor. But I do say you got to vet them well, right. Because there's all different shades and colors of mentors and so understanding capacity and what is really you're going to get out of this and realizing it doesn't have to be forever. I think sometimes we go to a mentor and think, oh, my gosh, I have to work with them for a whole year. Not necessarily. You could use them for two Zoom calls. Absolutely. Change the direction of your life. So much power in that. I wish more people took advantage of the education that's out there, you know? Absolutely. I think that you can learn someone from or learn something from everyone you meet. Oh, sorry. I took the words out of your mouth. Okay. We talk about that all the time, is that you learn something from everyone you meet. And it's so important that we make use of that. It doesn't matter. Like you might think, oh, wait, we won't. We might not be on the same page, but take the time, have a conversation. And in that conversation, you already learned something, so you just never know where it's going to take you. It's so true. And then just an extra terrier on top of mentorship is, I think a lot of people treat business relationships like, transactional. But realizing, and I. People always say you're, like, the ultimate networker, Marina. You know everyone. Well, it's because I treat everyone relationally. I'm going to come back full circle six months from now and be like, hey, how's that project you told me about? Or your so and so got married? That's awesome. What's up with them? Like, you're just constantly building this relationship base. Doesn't mean we're all best friends, but again, we're relevant. When the time comes, someone will think of you, or who knows what, you know. So if people can keep that frame of mindset, you're just going to be setting yourself up for more success in the future. It's really, for me, so much of it is about listening and paying attention. I remember for a while I was working in medical sales, and I remember walking through the operating room with my husband. Not the actual operating room, but the hallways of the operating room with my husband. And people would be like, hey, Simone. Hey, Simone. He's like, how do you know all these people? I've worked here, like, 18 years, and I don't know them. I was like, because I pay attention. I say hello. I ask them who they are, what they do. Do they have kids? I ask all kinds of questions, right? And I was like. So. I know. He was like, oh, my gosh. Okay, I need to do better. And. And he has done a lot better. But I think a lot of times, we get so busy, we talk about being busy. We get so busy doing that, we forget about the human part. Like, that should come first. Right? Understanding who people are, and I. How you can help them. Nope. So true. Yep. So a honey company. I know. Yeah. Libby and I were talking. She definitely wants to hear more about the honey company. So interesting to me. Do you want, like, the origin story or what do you want to know? Yeah, my. Like, I have several, like, I don't know, retirement plan options, and one of them is just to own a massive farm. Like, I'm so into the idea of doing homesteading right now, obviously, later on, but, yeah. Okay. So, long story short, we had gotten out of the coast guard in San Diego in 2016, and we're moving back to Hawaii with my family, my husband's family. And then we knew that his mom had, like, a hobby of bees. We'd get honey, like, for Christmas all the time. Thought she had, like, ten beehives, and we just hadn't visited in a while, come back, and we find out she has 250 beehives on our farm. We were like, oh, my God. What are you doing? And it's also, like, they naturally reproduce when they're happy. Like, hives will double. And so they couldn't build wood boxes fast enough, so they're putting hives in cardboard apple boxes at. They used to pack their produce in, and they're, like, scattered all over the farm. Everywhere you see, there's boxes. And we're so overwhelmed. And then she's also spending, like, thousands of dollars on equipment by the pallet to ship it to Hawaii, giving away honey for free. And so we're like, mom, what are you doing? This is craziness. Like, this is nuts. And so initially, we were, like, threatening her. Like, you need to stop everything. You're just wasting all this money. But then I had a friend who was in the wedding industry, and her nickname was Bea, and she had a b tattoo. She's obsessed with bees, just like, marina, can I please suit up and, like, go check out the bees? I'd love to open up a hive. And meanwhile, I'm the girl that's, like, at a picnic. If a bee flies on my plate, freak out, and screaming, like, that was me at the time. I'm like, okay, well, let go. Just because you really want to. Um, in an instant, like, you have to be so present because there's a smoker going on. The bees can sense your energy, and they're actually attracted to carbon dioxide. So if you're huffing and puffing out of nervousness, they're attracted to your face. Right. You have to be very intentional with your body through the speaking experience. And then initially, like, you pick up a frame, we're like, oh, this is crazy. You see the whole life cycle of a bee right there on a frame. So from egg to a baby hatching, just coming out of a cell all the way to, like, adult workers and stuff. And I was like, holy shit. This is amazing. Like, no one talks about how incredible beekeeping is in general. And so I just, like, had this aha moment, and then I did a quick, like, research of the market. What's on the shelves of? Well, it's a bunch of plastic bear bottles, and they all look the same. And a lot of them aren't even sourced locally. They're, like, from other islands shipping into Oahu. I was like, you know what? I think there's some room in the margin here to, like, make something cool. So we made a really sleek clean design, black and white. Um, talked to a couple of producers and some chefs in town, and it's always sold organically. Like, I've never had to push ads or anything. And we sell out. And so since then, we've kind of, like, whittled it down to the 75 hives, and we manage hives for some other beekeepers, too, but that's our little business, and it's been incredible. And so where we're located on the island, we're in the original caldera of Oahu. Like, the first volcano that created the whole island. So it's this crater that's about 5 miles. We pollinate our whole crater, too. Wow. That's like, the island's biggest organic farms. And so we're really, like, we're important where we are in our location, which is cool. Yeah. But I could get geeky all day about it. Like, whatever you want to know. Oh, awesome. I also think that kind of goes back to what we were saying about maintenance and not wanting to grow your business. You guys are just having a very successful small honey company, and I think that's fantastic. Yeah. Big impact. Big on relationships. So we're constantly networking with other producers. There are other parts of the island that are rainier, and so they need new hives every year, and so we'll sell to them. And so it's just. It's a little thing with a big impact, and that's. It's a generational legacy for us. I love that. And so where you live right now, it's. Tell me, tell me your in laws live there. Who, who's. I'm living at my in laws house. We're a multi generational household. They have been farming out here in Waianae. So it's the far west side of Oahu, so about an hour from Honolulu. And so we have two acres behind our house and another eight that we lease from a hawaiian family. And so they're vegetable farmers primarily. Then we have the honey company. Now we're starting this nonprofit, really out of need of what I've seen in this next generation. So with our young ones that are four or nine years old, they have no connection to where food comes from. They think it comes from the box. And then with all the things coming out in the news and the research about how bad the processed food is, the statistics are terrifying. So 70% of kids diets right now are processed of what they're eating. It's insane. And then we have more cancer and more sickness than we've ever had in the history of our diets, everything that we thought we knew was brainwashed and not true. And so there's a big lack of trust with the government going on and an awareness. But we're at a capacity where everyone can grow food in their backyard. You don't even need a yard. You can have container garden on your little back porch, you know, and still be able to supplement your food source organically and, like, really healthily. And so we're really just passionate about educating the next generation, getting them excited about where their food come from, but also realizing our farmers are dying out, they're aging, and we need them. We don't need more produce from China. We need it from here in America. And so that's kind of the passion project that's coming up. Yeah. And that's really cool. Yeah. I mean, I went to school, or the other campus of my school is literally in a food desert, and I have friends. I mean, New York City is, if you're outside of Manhattan, it's a food desert. And I don't know, it's like, I feel like my college in particular, needs to do more outreach in terms of, like, that and reaching out to the local community. But it's. It's a real thing. I know so many people that have never even tried vegetables or never even tried fruits. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's interesting, actually, because I remember, so for a while, I've done many things in my life, but for a while, I was a teacher and I was teaching fourth grade, and we do standardized testing here, of course. And so I have to prepare the class for testing. And some of the questions, obviously, these kids had never experienced a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. Like, I remember one didn't know what. A kiwi was, which is crazy because, I mean, we live in Florida. It's, there's a mango tree and literally across the street from us right now, but it's just the way the world is right now. Well, and also when you talk about poverty. Yeah. That you don't have that same exposure. You know, a lot of people, their idea of going to get food is at the convenience store because they don't have access to get to a regular grocery store or to a farmer's market or whatever. And so they just haven't experienced stuff like that before. So that was pretty eye opening to me that we need to make sure that kids understand what all is out there for them. So I love what you're doing and. How inexpensive it actually is to grow your food. You need water and sun. Like, that's it. You know, everyone can be growing their own food source. You can do a barrel of potatoes and feed your family for a month. You know, it doesn't have to be rocket science, but it's just got to unlock that little light bulb there. I was just thinking about that. So I have a balcony at my new place, and I was like, oh, I'm so excited to have, like, plants for the first time because my last apartment was, I don't know, a cage with, like, a window, pretty much. And I was like, oh, I can grow potatoes. Because you can grow potatoes in garbage cans. I was so exciting to me. I'm so excited about this. I've wanted to have a garden probably for the last two years, and I think it was living in New York and, like, never seeing trees, but fresh fruits and vegetables, like, actually on the vine, and, I don't know, moving away now I'm, like, really invigorated to start this. Yeah. And I feel like there is a rise to the homesteading culture, like, people are into where we came from, you know, 40, 50 years ago, but it's because we're living a life that's so consumerism based that it's not satisfying. Like, you need to work hard, you need to sweat. You need to raise your own food. You need to trade with your community. We're kind of getting back to that. So that's an exciting adventure to be on. And there's definitely, like, you go on TikTok or whatever, there's hours and hours of content of that. Yeah. And there's hours and hours of educational content, too, which really make it accessible for everybody. I think it's great in some ways that social media is great. Like, the accessibility of information is just. It's changing our world. Yeah, exactly. So let's go back a little bit to being overworked and really trying to help people understand how to say no. And how do you kind of decide what are you going to commit to without over committing? Because I think a lot of people have a hard time with that. I know when I was younger, I would say yes to everything that people would ask me to do. Yeah, I can help with that. Yep, I can help with that. And I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? Because I didn't want to do it. I just felt like I had to do it. And I heard something yesterday that I really liked. Not that I didn't know this, but it's just nice to hear it like this, that when you say no, it opens the door for you to say yes to something else, something that you really want to say yes to, but advice on how to say no? Because for a lot of people, that's a struggle. Absolutely. And I think part of it is being honest with ourselves to start that there's usually some level of insecurity on why we're saying yes to everything, because we don't have the internal compass to say, actually, there's a cost to everything. So every yes costs me something. So whether that's time, whether it's time away from my family or whatever, and it's also time away from probably what your actual goals are. So you have to realize, if I say yes to this, I'm saying no to this other project that was really important to me, too. That's number one, getting super clear and honest with yourself. And then also, why do I need to please this person? Why is it so important for me to say yes to that volunteer thing when I really actually don't want to do it? Like, as you're saying yes, if you are cringing, you're signed to change your answer and say no. But the thing I always tell my clients is like, start with a, let me think about it and I'll get back to you. We don't need to give immediate answers. And so often we're so eager to please that we're like, oh, of course I can help out. Of course I can do this for you. And then the second we hang up, we're like, oh, shoot, what did I just do? You know? So it's okay to have an instant script in response to say, let me think about it, I'll get back to you, or throw whoever under the bus and say, hey, I have to talk to XYZ. First. Let me get back to you. Like, just name drop someone. Yeah, I mean, I think I do that, too. That before. Yeah. But it just lets you get off the hook a little bit to give you that breathing room to say, actually, it's not going to work with me. And then even if you don't have anything in the calendar, make it up so you actually have an appointment at that time. I have a scheduled conflict. It's not going to work. And then maybe offering a suggestion of if I can't do it, I know so and so is going to be awesome for you. Let me connect you via group text. And I'm sure she's going to have great answers or something. But so often, people don't necessarily need the yes from you. They just want that moral support, you know, and so it doesn't have to necessarily mean you physically doing the task for them, but it could just be. I don't have the answer right now, but so and so does. So it's still able to help them and give them a good farewell, you know, being kind and polite and all those things. So. And the more you say no, it is a muscle, and you'll be able to say no more and more and more, the more that we practice the muscle. So just remembering that. Yeah. And we can't feel guilty. I mean, that's my biggest thing. Yeah. I mean, for me now, as I'm 52, I'm 52. Right. 52, yeah. That I really forget sometimes that I am able to say no without feeling guilty, because I know what I want. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I'm capable of. But when I was younger, across the board, someone would ask me for something and I would do it. I mean, I think I really struggle with the idea of saying no to all the things. I mean, as much as I would love to describe myself as a social person, I like

to be in bed before 10:

00 and that doesn't really swing well when you're in college. And I honestly had such a hard time setting boundaries. So what would you say to someone that, like, is afraid of setting boundaries and afraid of being rude? That was my biggest thing is I was always afraid of hurting someone's feelings while setting a boundary. I think I saw that. Yeah. I think it's just being honest with that person. Like, if they truly are in your corner and they truly admire you as a person, they will also respect your boundaries. And so you have to create those bumper lanes for your life, realizing it's not going to do you any good to do this thing. So, for example, I remember when I think my son was, like, three or four and I was pregnant, and I was saying yes to everything the church would ask me to do. Like, they were constantly like, Marina, you're doing design. Marina, we need you for this event. And I was doing all this decor all the time for the church. Meanwhile, I was still struggling with all my businesses and the small children, and I had the insecurity to keep saying yes because I wanted to please all these people. But it took someone to pull me aside from the church, who is an older auntie, and she literally gave me permission. She's like, Marina, it's a season of life that you probably shouldn't be saying yes. But I see you doing this, and I see how stressed out you are. I want to give you permission to say no. And I needed someone to kind of usher me into that permission. And actually, the church was grateful that I said no because they understand and recognize Marina's in a season of little kids, it's not going to be forever. But for right now, it's a lot for her. We'll find other talent and it's much better to have, like, if you're going to say yes, to be joyful in the yes, then resentful and grudging in the yes, because that's how the relationship changes, too. So if I'm saying yes to everything and then I'm getting resentful about the yes, it's going to tarnish our relationship, versus if I actually have the capacity and I'm excited and joyful to help or say yes, then that's going to boost our relationship, you know? So realizing everything has a cost. Yeah. And on this, what do you say to someone who won't accept your no? And that's not my people. That has happened to me even very recently. Yeah. And yeah, we are not aligned. Unfortunately. We're not connecting here. You don't respect me anymore. So that's where it draw. It draws a line. So what'd you do? I waited until I left the city. Oh, that's right. I like, I mean, and it wasn't. I did not handle it in the appropriate way because it was someone who had continuously, like, I don't know, push my boundaries within friendship. And honestly, someone I never really saw eye to eye to, but really, she was wanting to enforce this french or reinforce this friendship, and I kind of was just like, okay, I'm leaving soon. It'll be fine. I'm out of here soon, and then she'll be out of my life. And I know that was an appropriate way of handling it. I wish I just didn't know what to do. Well, I think it's really hard when the other person, when you say no, won't acknowledge the no. And then I think you are valid in doing whatever you need to do for yourself. Yeah, I don't think that's wrong at all. Yeah, I just. I wish I had, like, I don't know, sometimes I wish I could be, like, courageous enough to be like, you are bothering me. Yeah, but I'll take some big girl panties. You know, you gotta kind of own up to that. But again, that comes with being super clear with why you're doing what you're doing and where you're going, and if it doesn't align, you just gotta, like, don't even look back. Just full on confidence, knowing where you're going. Yeah. I was at this women's event a couple of days ago, and one of the speakers was saying how she had a woman who really wanted to go out to lunch with her and just, like, kept, kept on keeping on. Like, I had to say it, like, a hundred times to her, and she's like, I have to be honest. She said, we have nothing in common. There's no reason for, like, she was like. And I was like, oh, it's kind of brutal. But she was like, you can only invite people on your bus that you want to be surrounded with, and if you are not connecting, or you then they're not on your bus. You don't even stop there. Like, you just keep going, because otherwise you're surrounded by negativity or people that you don't align with, whatever it is. And it's so important that we remember that. So I know it's hard. It is hard. I mean, I think that now that I'm moving on to this next chapter of my life, like, physically and mentally, I really am wanting to be clear with who I am starting relationships with, whether that's professional or personal, but as well as, like, what those relationships will be. Because I had a couple of negative experiences in my last semester of college. What it really made me reevaluate. Like, I am ignoring things that bother me for the sake of someone else. And, I mean, that's not fair to me, and it's not really fair to the other person. I'm kind of leading them on in a friendship that's bound to go nowhere. And I will say, as you get older, and you can know this, too, like, it gets smaller, right? When you're young, you have a big, wide circle, but it's a lot of surface level. As you get older, get smaller, smaller, smaller, and before you know it, you have three to four, and that's all you need. They're ride or die, you know, but it takes time to find them, too. And you have to go through some trials to get there. And what sucks is, like, especially now, I feel like so many people are moving all the time, and especially in Oahu, where, like, a transient place where people are constantly going and leaving. And so you just have to have trust that the right people will fall into the place at the right time, and you just invest in the people who love you at that time of life, you know? Yeah, but you shouldn't have to chase anyone. Yeah. I mean, and I think that goes the other way. Like, you shouldn't. I don't know. You shouldn't want to be chased. I think that's, like. It's actually an interesting conversation because your brother Ari. Oh, so he's. He's 20. Uh, he. We were talking about girlfriends, and he was like, I don't want to chase anyone. Like, I just don't. I want to meet someone that is my friend and go from there. And I said, well, girls like to be chased. And he's like, yeah, that's not for me. Yeah, yeah, I think. I mean, that whole concept, I don't think every girl likes to be chased, but it's. I agree. Not really. At this point, I kind of realize it's not really worth putting effort into friendships or relationships where I'm not getting the same back, the same energy. At least it should be mutual. Yeah. So, like, if I'm calling someone and they're not calling me back, that's a sign, you know, you should want to call me back or give me a voicemail or something. Like, there should be something. And I always say, like, with all my relationships I had through college, it wasn't until I met my husband, it was so easy. Like, everything was effortless and fun and I didn't have to try or worry or anything. And that was the first time that I was like, oh, this is what it's supposed to be, but it takes all the duds to get there, right? And so, same thing with friendships. It should be easy. We should be calling each other, wanting to hang out mutually, not just one person all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's how I feel about my friendships now that I'm older, that those are the people I want to hang out with. They get it. I'm busy and I text. I can't talk right now. They get it. They're not, like, frustrated. When I was younger, I remember I had friends who, if I didn't call them back, you know, right away, that means I didn't lie. I was like, this is way too much work for me. Oh, yeah. This is not real. Yeah. I mean, the people that are. There's a difference. Like, some people will never respond to texts and that, you know, that's. To each their own kind of bugs me a little bit. But I. If they're your friend, you know how to reach out to them. But the people that are very insistent. I mean, one time, it was literally in the span of five minutes. I was like, my phone has been down. I'm trying this thing where I'm not on my phone. Twenty four seven. And that's a really, like, a weird place to be in where people are like, I need this immediately. But life's not immediate. I can't always be at your beck and call, right? I mean, you can be at my beck and call. Yeah, but, I mean, even with you, I take. I mean, like. And I do. I do what my mom used to do sometimes. And my mom would always. If she didn't hear from me for a while, she'd be like, are you alive? Are you alive? So I'll text her.

I'll be like, she's like, I went to bed at 08:

00 leave me alone. But I do it as just a joke now because I think that is something that my mother used to love. I mean, she's kind of the same way. I know she's. She'll be like, you have to call me because I might be dead, but am I fine? She always has a story. And, yeah, sometimes she won't even answer. And I'll be like, oh, my God, here we go. And she's fine. She was hanging out with her friends. Like, it's very weird. You have to respond, but she doesn't. Yeah, so. So one of the things that we. I don't say we'd like to talk about, but we. We. I think that when we share our struggles, we definitely can help other people. So we like to ask our guests, what. What do you think your biggest struggle has been, Orlando, that is continuing to be or that you've had in the past? Any of the above? As a high achiever, it comes from what is the adversity. And so I am constantly struggling. The need to do more to overcompensate for my inability to be quiet and still. So that is an ongoing thing where, like, I have a really hard time doing nothing or resting. And I always feel like I gotta fill it with something. Be busy. Like, addicted to chaos. Right? Cause I lived in the chaotic household, and so it's an ongoing struggle. But I will also relate to other women who are going through that because we realize, oh, this is actually like a defense mechanism that we built in ourselves to avoid whatever it was that we went through. So I think just. It's an ongoing journey of grace and permission and just self love, honestly. But it takes time. Like, I'm turning 36 this month, and I still feel like I got a lot of work to do. It's just baby steps, but constantly looking back and seeing how far I've come, celebrating the accomplishments that I've done, because we don't do that enough. We don't give ourselves enough props that we earn, and permission to do less all the time is a constant struggle for me. Yeah. Actually, with the little things that we go through on a regular basis, that we don't give ourselves enough credit for those things. Sometimes the big things, we're like, oh, yay, I accomplished this. But every day, there is something that happens in our lives that we need to acknowledge that, wow, I made it through this today. Or, okay, I said no to this today. Like, some of these things are little accomplishments, but they really add up. And I know we don't give ourselves enough credit for those kinds of things, especially working moms. We run a household, and we run businesses, and we take care of children. Like, oh, my gosh, we deserve it all. Yeah. And it's so interesting because the men to women kind of thought process on this stuff. So when I took time away to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, I had so many people say, oh, my gosh, your husband is so amazing. He really picked up the slack. He stayed home with the kids. He did all these things, and he's a great guy, but if that would have been him, do you think they would have said, oh, my gosh, your wife is so amazing. She did all these things? No, because it's expected. I see these posts all the time about, like, it's mom's day off. If, like, a dad's at the grocery store with their kids, like, what do you mean? It's. It's an equal thing. Both of you decided to have a child and raise them. Yeah. Yeah. And even I'll say, even though we say it's equal, it's still never because of the mental burden that we bear. So even if we're equally doing tours or whatever, mom's brain is full all the time. We're thinking so much ahead

of time. Whereas, like, my husband will be like, it's 07:

00 what are we eating? I'm like, I don't know. Was it my job to always think of that? Like, can you think of something active? Whereas moms have to be proactive all the time. So we're wired differently, like, physically, chemically, and that's for a reason, you know? So when. When the kids were really little, well, when they were babies and. And when they were really little, too, I I would hear, like, the smallest whimper, and I'd be out of bed, like, I would be fast asleep. Smallest whimper. I'm out of bed. I'm. My husband could sleep through all of that, but if the phone rang, he would hear that right away. But I wouldn't hear the phone. I would hear the kids. It's so funny how differently we're wired. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. As we wrap up, our final question. What is something your mother told you that she was wrong about? This is the one. I think I was like, I don't really know. I don't know if I have a good answer, either. What was it? I think I'm right about everything. No, I just, like, yeah, I think. What my answer is is, like, I can't think of one thing, but I can say that as I've aged, as I've had children, you recognize that your mom was just doing the best they could at what they had. So realizing my mom was 36 at one time and was doing the best that she could at what she had, so she had me at 36, and there's so much I don't know, still at 36. And I feel like every day, I'm starting over, and I don't know what I'm doing with parenting. Like, the kids will throw me for a loop. And again, I'm at square one, throwing my hands up, going, what is happening? And so she was in that same boat, you know, like, she was just doing the vessel that she could at what she had. And there's so much, like, awareness, as you have your own kids about what your mom went through. And so I think just appreciation and grace. And even now, when she's a grandma, like, I realize I'm her in so many ways. It's so annoying. But you're also, like, appreciative for it, so just little things like that. And you got to pick your battles with moms. That's, like, the biggest advice because they're most important at the end of the day, but they're the easiest to pick fights with, so. Yes, we know. Yeah. Like, daily. Yeah. No, but we all get into, like, tiffs sometimes. I'm like, oh, even today, she asked me to, like, do something on social media, and it was right as my dad was asking me something on the computer as well. I was like, for Christmas this year, I'm buying you guys tech classes, because this is ridiculous. Oh, she totally went off. I was like, wait, I I know how to do that stuff. She's like, no, you don't. I was like, I was just asking. I came back and apologized. I was like, I'm sorry. I was just a little bit overwhelmed at that moment. Hello, girl. Like, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. But that's. That's how it is with moms, right? Like, we. And it is funny. I agree with you. As I've gotten older and realized all the things that my mom did as I was growing up, that, yeah, we're just doing our best. Right? There's no handbook. And even if there were, it doesn't work because they're all so different. I mean, with six of them, every single one is completely different. And so you just do the best that you can and not. Not that you hope that it's all going to work out. You really do the best that you can for each child, and, you know, however you're going in the moment, you just got to keep going. So, yeah, that's okay. Mistakes. That's part of being here. Oh, yeah, Grace. To make mistakes, for sure, I make a lot of those regular basis. But you know what? The biggest thing that has changed with me is that I own up to all of them. I'll be like, yeah, I was wrong about that. Yeah. Okay, let's try this instead. Yeah. Where, you know, before, I wouldn't have had the confidence to be able to do that. So that's good. Yeah. Okay. We like to end it in a couple of ways. First, she's going to read it from her fabulous calendar called the unfuck yourself calendar. Gives you daily advice and. You go. You're hardwired to win. You're always winning because your brain is wired to. The trouble comes when you really want. On a subconscious level, what you say you want are different. Sometimes radically. So what does that mean? I don't know. I think. Wait. Yeah, I missed a word. I was like, trouble comes what? When what you really want and what you say are so radically different, the trouble comes. One, what you really want and what you say. So when you're not being honest yourself. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. When you're saying yes, the things you want to say no to. Yeah. You got to be honest. Say no, say no, don't do the things that you don't want to do. Yeah. Okay. That fits pretty well. Usually. It fits pretty well. Usually she doesn't have such a hard time reading it. Yeah. I don't know. Tongue tied a little bit. You got it. Okay. So, thank you so much for being here today. Can you let our listeners know where they can find you? We are going to have everything in the show notes as well, but just throw it out there. Where can they find you? So much. This is great. And I just feel like this is such an authentic conversation that we need to keep having over and over and over, because all the things that we shared, we usually know them, but we just need that, like, poke again to be like, I got this. So this is a great reminder call. But no, I'm pretty active on Instagram. Like, I'll post there to stories daily, but it's marina t tolentino underscore because someone else had many. And then I'm pretty active on TikTok. I just reinvigorated that account there, and it's just Marina Tolentino. So I've been having a lot of fun over on the tick tock. Oh, I'm gonna go over and check you out on TikTok because I need to learn that. I don't know. I'm not great at it either. I'm good at watching that posting, but. We'Re gonna go check it out there. Well, thank you so much for joining us. We love having these kinds of conversations, and I agree with you that we. It's. We need reminders about this stuff, right? Like, we know we know this stuff in the back of our head, but if we don't talk about it, it doesn't happen. So. Yes, thank you. I'm so excited to keep connected. Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us on this week's episode of the Daughter Dearest podcast, and we will see you next time. Bye. Have a great day. Thank you for listening to the Daughter Dearest podcast with Simone and Olivia Knego. We hope this episode has made your day just a little bit brighter and given you the inspiration you need to confidently go about your week. Always remember to be authentically. You don't forget to like and subscribe, so you never miss an episode. And feel free to connect with them on Instagram. Otterdearest podcast at Simone Conego and at Olivia Conego. Till next time.